Scared as Hell

Six months ago my car died and I lost my concrete manufacturing office job (our sole source of household regular income) in the same week.

Its not the disaster it sounds like. My car was old and I was already looking for replacements. It was perfect timing that I lost my job before I committed to a long term car loan. I was vastly underemployed and frustrated in my job. I had been looking for an opportunity to work from home in Business Analysis and/or Data Analytics for quite some time. My manager did me a hefty favour making me redundant after nine years with the company. I have to admit the workplace probably became a lot happier without my anxious combative presence (if less efficient).  The company had to downsize and better me who wanted to leave than the single mother with two kids.

No more two hour commute on country roads. No more coming home stressed out, anxious, exhausted and frustrated. An absolutely golden opportunity for me, with respect to those whose lives have been ruined by COVID19.

Its been six months since I’ve had any kind of panic attack or aggressive outburst. I don’t remember ever having slept so well. My horse trainer husband and I are both a bit amazed that we are getting along fine with only each other and the dogs for company 24/7. Helps that I live on a farm and can’t actually see any of my neighbours. Happy wife – happy life right?

I started a new part time job from home and my new Boss is pushing me to work in directions I never thought I would take. I don’t always like him for it, but he has a way of talking people into things. So far he hasn’t pushed me to the point where anxiety kicks in and I start to fight. That’s the best part about working with other veterans again – you don’t have to explain. People have your back – even if they are still pushing you to #befierce.

I’ve started picking up local small business Data Analytics work – largely thanks to the social media networking skills I learned at about 40 (mumble mumble) years of age on the WYWM Compass Course. Click here to find out more or book a call.

My Open Arms counsellor tells me I have normal levels of anxiety and depression – probably for the first time in over 20 years. It feels incredibly strange to me not to be worried about everything all the time. I love it, but I definitely fear backsliding.

That’s a lot of change for a Veteran with long term anxiety and depression to adjust to in a very short time. It probably would have sent the old me completely off the rails.  I would have been fighting this kind of change with every waking minute. The known devil is always less frightening than the unknown.

I don’t mind admitting it feels weird as hell. Friends I meet in town are telling me they’ve never seen me smile so much or look so relaxed. I look and feel like a different person. I have absolutely no idea who this woman is or where she is going next.

You’d better believe I am scared as hell.

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